new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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