saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
