Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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