I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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