I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
