Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize