I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
