sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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