your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Randomize
