I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Text me some of your sweat
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
