Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
