Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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