I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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