in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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