I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
