I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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