covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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