I think I died a long time ago.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
