She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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