mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Randomize
