You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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