capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
