im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
