You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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