I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
