Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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