we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My ass is underappreciated
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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