there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
