just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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