wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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