I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
