I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
