Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
