There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I think my moral compass just broke
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