I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
