What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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