you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
