I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
