Having a random hookup so left but love u
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
