Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
