I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
