I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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