Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This is my gift to your gina
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize