His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Randomize
