just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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