u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
