He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
