i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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