you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
