If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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