I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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