life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
