I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
