When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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