Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Michael Bay diarrhea
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
