Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
