im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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