I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
