how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
